


September 2003

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [2]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, M/M, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-07
Updated: 2012-12-07
Packaged: 2017-11-20 13:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/586091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark gets closer to Lex, develops X-ray vision and saves a few people along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	September 2003

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Smallville belongs to DC comics.  
> Thanks to Lola, Mel, Janet and others for making this possible.

01 September @ 06:57 pm

Confused

Most of the time I feel fine; I'm happy with things the way they are, but sometimes I want to see things beyond the confines of the little town I live in. I had a really nice day at school today. I just had such a great time with my two best friends. We hung out in the school paper's office for a while just talking about things. Nothing big, just normal everyday things, and I loved how my two best friends Chloe and Pete made me feel normal just by being them. It's so weird. I think I've been basking in it all day. The one thing I want more than anything else in the world is to be normal; to be like everybody else. I don't want people to look at me. I'm kind of big and awkward looking anyway. I really hate my body sometimes. It's huge. Big clumsy hands and even bigger clumsy feet. 

I trip over them so many times in one day it isn't even funny anymore. I'm talking about this now because I almost fell on Chloe in the office. I zigged and she zagged and before I knew it I was grabbing onto her hips. It was so awkward. I've never really touched a girl in the way a boyfriend touches a girlfriend. It was kind of nice. She was really warm and stuff.

I feel kind of dumb talking like this. It's so silly, but I think of her as a sister and I would never hurt her on purpose. I think I did. She cried out and then flinched. For half an hour she insisted she was fine but I caught her rubbing her hip where I'd grabbed it. I was afraid that I'd hurt her. I don't have anybody to talk to about this.

I'm never going to date. I think it's safer if I just keep my hands to myself.

I'm so confused.

@ 10:22 pm

Holy Cow!

I have had the most bizarre day of my entire life.

It started off fine. I got up the nerve to ask my dad if I could join the football team. He turned me down flat. I almost barfed all over Lana's shoes at school, again. My best friend Pete got to join the team, so I watched him at practice until I couldn't take it any more.

I walked home and stopped at the bridge. You wouldn't believe what happened next! One minute I'm staring down at the water and then the next minute I hear screeching tires. I look up to find a car hurtling at me. It was going really fast. The guy driving looked terrified. Then Bam! He hit me and we fell into the water. I was so afraid but all I could think about was helping the driver.

I dived down and pulled the hood off. Pull with my bare hands. I don't even remember thinking about it. I did it. I got us both out onto the shore and gave him mouth to mouth.

Thankfully, I managed to save him before I fainted. I was just hit by a car! All I could think was holy cow! How the hell am I still alive?

Anyway, when I came to the guy, Lex was hovering over me terrified that I was hurt. The sheriff was already there. How embarrassing is it that I fainted in front of this guy? 

He was really nice about it and kept thanking me over and over for saving his life. The only thing was, he kept staring at me. I told him that I was standing off to the side when he insisted that he'd hit me. I couldn't tell if he was still wondering if he believed me.

Dad came to get me. He wasn't happy when he showed up. On the way home we didn't talk at all. He was really mad but I couldn't tell if he was mad at me or if he was mad at Lex. Although why he would be mad at somebody I saved is beyond me. I'll never figure out my dad.

It's kind of late now. I haven't really had time to think about what it all means. I can't be hurt and I saved somebody's life! I think it was the coolest thing to ever happen to me. I just know things are going to change for the better from here on out.

I have to go to sleep now. Maybe I'll write more later. I have to think about this.

 

02 September @ 11:40 pm

More weird stuff  
I had another crazy day. I was robbed twice today.

I had the most important illusion taken away from me. But before I talk about that...

I had a truck for about two minutes. That guy I saved sent me a truck to pay me back for saving him. Dad made me return the truck. Well, actually he made me decide, but what else was I supposed to decide when my dad was going on and on about how evil Lex's father is. I it's not like the son is just like the dad. Right?

It turned out to be kind of interesting though, so I'm glad Dad made me return the gift. 

Lex lives in a mansion. He's kind of mocking about it though. It's not really his choice. His dad sent him to the town. He's supposed to save the plant that hires most of the people in town. It's kind of freaky. I would be so nervous if I was responsible for so many people, but Lex handles it so well. 

He handles a lot of things so well, as I've come to discover. When I met him for the first time he was dead, and today when I went to return the truck (which was a sweet ride btw) he threw a sword at my head. Well, near my head. 

I decided after talking to him that if I couldn't keep the truck, I could make a friend out of him. He said all this stuff about us being friends, and nothing standing in our way. I'm sure he was talking about my dad. 

Anyway so I lost the truck, but gained a friend. I'm really looking forward to getting to know him. He seems really interesting. I bet he's been all over the world and done all kinds of stuff.

You're probably wondering what that other thing is that I was talking about. Well, now I know why I'm not normal. It totally sucks. I will never ever be a normal person. I can't even think it let alone write it in here. This is supposed to be where I tell all those things I can't tell anybody else. It's the biggest secret anybody has ever had to hold. I hate lying but I realize I do it every single day of my life. Heck, I had to do it after I saved Lex's life. What was I supposed to say? 'Oh, by the way, I can't be killed'? That goes over well.

I'm not going to dwell, and I don't want to think about it anymore. I'm going to concentrate on other things. 

Lana actually had a long conversation with me. It was in a cemetery, but at least she talked to me. It was really nice. She even kissed me on the cheek, which was even nicer. 

I feel kind of lonely tonight. It's weird now that I know that thing about myself that I didn't know before. It just changes everything. I have to go. This just totally sucks.

 

03 September @ 09:56 pm

I hate my life

So one of the reasons for joining the football team was so Pete and I wouldn't be chosen as this year's scarecrow. Let me just tell you a bit about this little tradition. 

Every year the football team chooses a freshman. He's taken out to Reilly Field and strung up on a cross in nothing but his boxers with a red letter "S" painted on his chest.

Why am I talking about this? Well, this year Whitney, Drake and Rick decided it was my turn to play scarecrow. I was already in a bad mood when I ran into them. Chloe and Pete had just finished telling me the worst news I'd ever heard, and it all had to do with me. I destroy everything around me. I've always thought this and now I know it's true. Everything is my fault. People are suffering because of me.

Normally I could fight them off because I'm so strong, but I couldn't this time. It was so weird. One minute I was fine and then the next I was as week as a kitten. It happened right after Whitney put Lana's necklace around my neck. He was mad at me for talking to his girlfriend. I tried to tell him that we're just friends, but he wouldn't listen. 

They dragged me out and stripped me. It was horrible! I was so scared and it hurt so much. I tried to fight back, I really did, but Whitney wouldn't listen. Eventually I just gave up, and stopped struggling. It felt like I hung out there forever. And then this guy, Jeremy, came along. He was the scarecrow the year this really bad thing happened in the town. Anyway, he just left me there.

It felt like I was going to die. I cried for help. I was pretty sure nobody was going to hear me, but somebody did. Lex found me. I couldn't believe it. He untied me and the necklace fell off. I was so lucky. I was too shocked to stick around though. I ran to stop Jeremy from hurting my friends.

I stopped him and I got back at the jocks for what they did. I know it was kind of childish, but I did it anyway. It made me feel a little better.

Anyway, I missed the dance since I was kind of tied up at the time.

 

04 September @ 09:34 am

Just when I thought I couldn't be any more of a freak, something new happens. I had this dream. Anyway when I woke up I wasn't exactly still on my bed. It's too weird, and I have no clue how I did it.

Why can't I just be normal like every other kid? It's not fair! I hate it. 

At least Lana was in my dream; only she said everything was my fault. Totally not something she'd ever do or say but what do I know? She only started paying attention to me a few days ago, and I really haven't talked to her that often. Probably won't be after what her boyfriend did to me. I hope she doesn't find out what happened. That would suck. It kind of hurt that I would dream that. 

I heard my parents talking about me again. 

More later.

@ 06:46 pm

Well, I had another superfun day.

The first thing I had to deal with, when I went to farmer's market this morning was Whitney. As much as I would love to tell somebody about what he did to me, I'm just too ashamed and embarrassed. I don't want my parents finding out about it, and I don't want the whole town to know. It's a small town, and I've already been called enough names to my face without having more added to the list.

It was kind of annoying to listen to my dad go on and on about how great Whitney is on the football field. If my dad would let me play then maybe he could brag about me, but no, instead he has to dote on the town star. If I sound bitter, it's because I am. He has everything I want: a normal life, Lana, and he's star of the football team. 

It sucks to be me.

At least Lana noticed I wasn't at the dance. That's something, isn't it? Who am I kidding? She's definitely not looking at me that way.

Oh well. I got to see Lex, and that was kind of nice. He noticed me noticing her. I have a feeling he's the type of guy who pays close attention. I'm going to have to be extra careful around him.

He really seems to care even though he hardly knows me. I told him I want to forget the whole scarecrow thing, just pretend as if it didn't happen. I think he took me seriously. At least I hope he did. I really don't want my mom and dad finding out about it. That would suck big time.

It's just my luck that on the way home from the market I end up saving Whitney's life. Yup, the same guy who strung me up in the field. (I can talk about it here, but I will NOT tell anybody about it. Lex doesn't treat me any differently but maybe that's because he doesn't really know me yet.)

So, I saved Whitney's life and when we got home, my mom was shaking so hard.

I wasn't hurt at all. I also told my dad about what happened this morning. I could tell he was really freaked out even though he tried to hide it. I mean he told me we'd figure it out but there isn't really a 'we'. This is happening to me, and I am so freaked out. 

I'm supposed to go over to Lex's mansion soon. He ordered produce from my family farm. I think it's the perfect chance to get to know him better. I'm looking forward to that, even though dad cursed (I heard it all the way from my loft without my special hearing) a huge paragraph when he found out. Maybe Lex can give me advice Lana. I'm pretty sure he's had a lot of experience with women. 

 

05 September @ 03:31 pm

Another manic day for the freakboy.

So lead seems to block the effects of the stone that's in Lana's necklace.

Lex took the necklace from the field and gave it to me to give to Lana. He says I should tell her what her boyfriend did to me but that's just not the way I want to win her. I wouldn't feel right about it.

I was wrong about Lex not telling anybody. He told Lana. I'm kind of disappointed that he did, but she thought it was a nice thing for a friend to do. She's probably right. I don't know. It's not like she dumped her boyfriend. In fact, while I was fighting off this crazy guy he was saving her from the crazy guy's cocoon. 

At least now I know why I always felt queasy around her.

Very busy day. Saw a dead body. I wasn't really grossed out since I was too busy worrying about Lana. Not that it helped.

In the end, I just left the necklace on her front porch. I think I'd rather win her the fair way. 

I'm really tired.

 

06 September @ 10:40 pm

Weird dream

Last night I had a dream. It wasn't like the other one I had where I was flying. This one was kind of a nightmare. I was in the cornfield and I couldn't move. When I looked down I saw that I was back on the cross again. The guys who strung me up were there and they were just standing there, laughing at me. I didn't tell anybody this at all (not even Lex) but one of the guys whispered something in my ear when they were taking off my clothes. He called me a fag.

All I was thinking at the time was how cold it was, and how if I was left there maybe I'd die. In the dream Whitney told me that this wouldn't be happening if I hadn't tried to make time with his girlfriend, but the other two laughed and called me that name again.

After they left me there, I had a lot of time to think. In the dream Lex finds me again but this time he just stands there and looks at me. He said 'you lied to me' and then he walked away.

I hate lying to everybody around me. I'm not who they think, but it's not something I can ever tell any of them. 

When I woke up the same thing happened again that happened the other night after my floating dream. The bed was already broken from the first time so all I did was make a loud noise when I came crashing down to earth. My mom came running into my room, which kind of made me mad. She didn't even knock. What if I'd been doing something else? I could have been getting dressed.

Anyway, I wasn't, but I was glad I was lying on my stomach since it would have been very embarrassing. After I reassured her I was fine, she left me alone so I could take care of business, if you know what I mean. It was strange because the last thing I could remember happening in the dream was Lex shaking his head and just staring at me saying over and over again 'you lied to me'.

He's never said anything like that to me. In fact we haven't talked about the accident at all since that day. All we talked about was that cool box he gave me, which I have by my bed. I stare at it when I want to think. It's really cool. I haven't really talked about it here or to my dad. He'd probably make me give it back. It's supposed be made from the armor of St. George, the patron saint of boy scouts. Lex seemed pretty skeptical about this. Anyway Lex has this really cool Trojan War set-up in a room on a big table. It's like one of those battlefield table thingies. I've never seen anything like it except in a museum.

He was very casual about it. I wanted to ask if he'd play army with me but it didn't seem like the kind of thing he'd do so I kept my mouth shut. Oh well. Maybe next time I'll dream we're in a battle fighting as the good guys side by side. That would be cool; Lex and I as knights.

That would really be cool.

 

07 September @ 10:37 pm

Angry again but happy too.

Okay, so I snuck away today to hang out with Lex. My dad was really upset the last time I went over to make the delivery since I stayed for an hour. He told me I shouldn't waste Lex's time, and that he's too old for me to hang out with.

I've never done this before. I just ignored my dad. I don't know why. Last time I saw Lex he seemed kind of lonely. Maybe lonely isn't the right word. It seemed like he wanted me to stay longer. He was so nice. We sat and talked about all kinds of things like history, war, and he promised to teach me how to play pool. He has a pool table in his office! It's so cool. It's kind of unique just like him.

We sat and had lunch today. It's Sunday and I really didn't have anything else to do after getting my chores done so I stayed for a few hours. He told me about how his dad taught him to play chess but got too frustrated since Lex kept beating him. I laughed so hard I sprayed milk all over the place. It was so embarrassing. He just took it in stride, and rubbed my back until I stopped choking.

He's so considerate.

Anyway so I went home all happy and when dad asked me where I was I couldn't lie. I told him. He got this look on his face like he was going to explode but he just calmly told me to stop bothering Lex so much. 

Later when I was in my room thinking about everything we'd done I overheard dad and mom talking about me. He actually told my mom to go over to Lex's and ask him to stop allowing me to visit. Why would he do that? I just don't understand my dad. It's like he thinks Lex is going to hurt me or something. 

I know Lex would never hurt me. I made him laugh and he smiled a lot. It was great.

I also got up the nerve to ask Lex about dating and girls. It was embarrassing but he was really cool about it. He answered all my questions. I thought about asking about the dream, but I chickened out. Oh well, I'm sure the dreams will go away.

I'm going to finish my homework. I was supposed to write a paper today but instead I was playing hooky. It was fun.

 

08 September @ 06:24 pm

Lana and life

I haven't really talked much about Lana here, which kind of surprises me since I've been in love with her forever. I guess it's because of all the things that have been happening in my life lately. I mean what I found out about myself after the car accident was pretty startling to say the least.

What can I say about Lana? She's the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She has gorgeous long dark hair and these wonderful expressive dark eyes. When they look at you, it's like the whole world disappears. I always get butterflies when I go near her or when I see her.

Sometimes at night I watch her through my telescope. I've never told anybody this. She's so strong too. A lot of people think she isn't because of what she went through, but I think they totally underestimate her. I know she's stronger than anybody gives her credit for.

I spent most of my high school career watching her from afar, but now she's talking to me and she wants to be near me. It's funny but I haven't noticed her wearing her necklace since I gave it back. I wonder why?

Anyway, I have a lot of work to do tonight. I have to rebuild the fence in the far pasture. My dad is too busy to help so I'll be alone which is fine since I love doing these things alone. I work much faster that way anyway.

Earlier today, I was hanging with my best friends Pete and Chloe at the office of the school paper and I casually asked if she'd gone and looked at my journal. I know she promised not to but it couldn't hurt to ask. Apparently it did hurt. She acted all angry and evasive. Not quite like I'd hurt her feelings but kind of guilty.

I have to go. Dad's yelling for me. Bye. 

 

09 September @ 10:18 am

So, I finished the fence early, and snuck over to Lex's place again. He wasn't home so I hung out in his Trojan room. It was so much fun. I like being alone sometimes. It gives me time to think. I have to admit, and I would never tell any of my friends this (especially not Lex), that I really like being at the castle. It's quiet.

The only thing that happened was one of his staff caught me when she came in to dust. Miss. Peterson was cool about it. She promised not to tell Lex that I was there. She also had the cook bring me a snack. I felt guilty taking advantage of Lex's staff, but I was so hungry.

In other news, I had that dream again last night. It wasn't exactly the same. This time Lex left me on the cross and told me _'liars don't deserve to be saved'_. I hate that. I feel guilty enough about lying to everybody without having to dream it. I wish I could tell my best friend Pete but I'm so afraid of a lot of things.

Things like - would he still be my friend? Would he tell everybody about me? The worst fear is that he'd never talk to me again. It's weird that of all people to have called me a liar in my dreams it would be Lex. I hardly know him and he hasn't once questioned me on the story I told him about the accident. He watches me very carefully though, and sometimes when I look over at him he's staring at me. Usually he smiles, which is nice. I guess maybe I just feel guilty about lying at all. I don't know why that is. I know it's safer for everybody if they don't know the truth about how much of a freak I am. I'm not even one of them.

I have to go now.

 

10 September @ 04:50 pm

When the cat's away...

I'm at the school newspaper office. I stayed to do a few things for Chloe while she's gone.

She's away which means I can't talk to her to apologize about the other day. She told me she wouldn't look at my journal so I should have just believed her. I feel awful. I feel like a total heel. 

In other news Pete has a new girlfriend. Although he calls her a friend who is a girl, which means I see less of him. Although lately I've been busy, and he's been sort of preoccupied.

I think I'm going see if he'd like to come by to shoot some hoops. That would be cool. He should be here soon.

He showed up, but he's going out with his new main squeeze. Oh well. I guess I'll just finish up here and run home.

Dad is mad at me again. This is going to seem really weird but I was watching the castle late last night. 

I'm not sure why. I found this really nice spot, and it just happens to be within eyeshot of the castle. I like to go there to think and be alone. I've been thinking a lot about Lex and some of the things he's said. I really want to trust him. I do.

So last night while I was watched the castle, Lex had a guest. She might be his girlfriend. He's never mentioned one but it's not like he'd talk to a kid about that. She was dressed really nice and arrived in a limo.

I was kind of curious about what Lex would do on a date. You know how he'd talk etc. I figured I could get some tips from listening in. Boy do I wish I hadn't. What I heard ... I'm pretty sure I'm too young to hear that kind of talk.

Anyway, she stayed for two hours and fourteen minutes. I didn't see Lex at all, but she left in a limo.

Oh well have go home now. My Mom's waiting for me to help with the pies. MMMMMM pie.

 

11 September @ 05:42 pm

And then she talked to me

Lana talked to me today in the hall at school. It was kind of weird and really unexpected, but really nice. I didn't trip or fall on my face. She was really nice. Her eyes were all sparkly, but she seemed kind of tense. I guess it was because of what Whitney did to me. I just told her to forget it. She changed the subject right away.

We talked for a few minutes about stuff until Whitney showed up. Lana seemed really apologetic about it. She looked up at me with these really sorry eyes. I wanted to hold her so badly. She looked so beautiful, and soft. Whitney acted all hostile and made a crack about horning in on his girl. I wanted to punch him so badly. I think Lana saw that because she pulled him away, and said they needed to go.

At least she talked to me and it was nice. I'm so glad we're becoming friends. It's nice. I think I'm starting to like her even more as I get to know her. 

I have to go to do some chores.

@ 06:09 pm

Oh boy

Yesterday I saw Lex at the coffee shop. After some of the comments you all made about my last post, I think maybe I know what you were getting at though I'm not sure I believe it. I can't believe that Lex would want or need that sort of thing.

Even so, I couldn't even look him in the eyes. I was so embarrassed. I tried to get away as fast as I could, but he wanted to talk so I stood there like an idiot, and every time I tried to look into his eyes all I could think about was the sounds I'd heard that night he had his female guest.

I am NEVER spying on him again.

I have to go now. I need to burn off some energy. Maybe running around the county a few hundred times will do that.

 

12 September @ 10:56 am

Hmmm

So, I tried to call Chloe at her cousin's place but whoever answered said she was unavailable. She was really rude and hung up before I could leave a message.

I also tried to call Lana and her aunt told me she couldn't talk. I wonder if maybe Lana just told her aunt to say that because she didn't want to talk to me.

Last night when I went for a run I saw Lana on her horse. I followed her for a few minutes to make sure she was okay. She seemed fine. There was no Whitney around.

Maybe I should go check on her. I think she's in class now. I'm kind of hiding in the newsroom. I have to go soon.

I think I'll just wait by my locker and see if she shows up. If I'm lucky her boyfriend won't be around.

@ 10:29 pm

Poor Lex

I did it. I went over to see Lex after I finished the deliveries. I wasn't bugging him like my dad keeps saying. I didn't even interrupt anything.

We talked. I asked him about girls and kissing. I wanted to ask about that lady from the other night, but I just didn't feel like it was my business. I did find out he doesn't have a girlfriend. He seemed kind of sad or something. This is going to sound really weird, but I kind of wanted to hold him; make him feel better, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have gone for that. He really looks like he could use a hug from a friend. I'm so glad I met him. He's really cool.

He told me he's had his share of girlfriends, so he could help me out with dating advice whenever I need it. With Lana I mean. He also told me that it was hard for him to find the right woman since most of them only want him for his money. I couldn't care less about that. I mean it's nice that he has all this stuff but it's only stuff. I'd still like him even if he didn't drive a Porsche or six.

At one point he choked on something so I had to pat him on the back. This is what I mean when I say that I'm a freak. Most people don't have to be very careful when they do something so simple, but I have to be aware 100 per cent of the time what I am doing. One wrong move and I could have bruised his back.

We had lunch together and he showed me how to play pool. I really suck at it, but I had a lot of fun. He also told me I could come over anytime I liked.

Anyway, I was really embarrassed when I told him that I'd only kissed one girl ever and only one time. He said things that kind of surprised me. I mean why would anybody want to go out with a big freak like me. 

I want to go over again next week or maybe in a few days. I have to confess something and it's going to sound kind of mean. I couldn't help it. Whenever he turned his back to me I couldn't help but stare at his head. You might think it's a weird thing to do but Lex is bald. He's only 21 and it isn't that he chose to be bald. I wanted to ask how it happened, but I couldn't find the right time. It looks good on him, and he has this bump on the back of his head right at the base of his skull.

I do that a lot; stare at people. I wonder how it is that I look so much like everybody else. You would never know that I was a freak just by looking at me. An alien.

In other news Lana and I are going to do our math homework together. I'm really excited about it. I think my mom will let us do it in my loft. She should be fine with that I hope. Lana and I talked in the hall for a few uninterrupted minutes. We were standing really close together so nobody else could hear what we were saying. Not that it was anything private, but you know.

She smelled so good. I have to admit, I was really excited to be near her. She smiles like I imagine an angel would smile. And she was wearing this nice sweater. It was really pretty. I'm a guy I notice these things.

I have to go. I have to get up early tomorrow to do chores. Bye.

 

14 September @ 01:14 am

More Lana and bad dreams

I just woke up from another bad dream.

This one was really weird but before I talk about the dream.

Lana stopped by tonight. She stayed for a while and we talked about so many things. She's really smart, and has so much to say about everything. She's on the cheerleading squad at school. She told me about how her mother was a cheerleader too. I mostly just listened. I really don't have a very exciting life. I told her about the farm and some stories about how I had to chase the cows one night when they escaped.

Anyway, she smelled like jasmine and wore the nicest pink top and blue jeans. She looked very nice. I kept wishing I could lean in and kiss her. I have to admit I was staring at her a lot. I mean she is so pretty, and she was wearing her hair down tonight. I think I smiled a lot too. I hope she didn't think I'm a freak or anything.

My mom interrupted us, and told me to get to bed. So Lana had to leave. I had such a great time. She thanked me, and put her hand on my arm. I watched until she was out of site. My mom gave me this funny look. After, when I was alone in bed I thought about Lana and everything she'd said and done. It was a very exciting night.

I had the nightmare again about being up on the cross. I was wearing the necklace and this time when Lex came to rescue me, I fell into his arms. Then suddenly we were in his castle and I was hugging him. 

I woke up from the dream hard.

 

15 September @ 08:33 am

Invasions

I had the nightmare again. Only this time Lex left me in the field. He just shook his head and left me there. 

I need for them to stop. I was too busy this weekend to write here. I'm trying to do it every day, but it just isn't happening.

I went to look at IT last night. 

My dad showed IT to me when he told me the truth of where I come from. IT just feels cold, and lonely. I sat, and stared at IT for a long time.

I feel so alone right now. I think maybe I'm going to see if Lex is busy this afternoon.

I just called his place. It's kind of early but I thought maybe he might be available. He wasn't. The person who answered told me he was indisposed what ever that means.

Anyway, maybe I'll stay after deliveries today.

I have to get to school, or I'm going to be late.

@ 06:21 pm

I have had the worst day at school today. I tried to stay calm, but sometimes I just want to punch something. I saw Lana today. She was with Whitney. He gave me the dirtiest look when she wasn't looking. I hate it. I am not even hitting on her or anything. I just want to be friends with her. Okay, it's true I wish I could have something more with her, but he has her and I don't so why is he so bothered by me.

She looked like she wanted to talk to me but because of him I could only say hello and wave. And my best friend isn't making things easier. Pete taunts me all the time and it's just joking around. Usually I don't care, but this time it really hit a nerve. I had to get out of there before I did punch Whitney.

I called Lex during lunch. He was there this time. I pretended to be calling about the produce delivery. I'm staying after so we can play pool again. I really want to talk to him about everything. 

I wish I could tell him about my true self, but I know that isn't possible.

 

16 September @ 12:18 am

Another game of pool

I'm finally home and getting ready for bed but I had to get some things off my chest.

I went to see Lex today and while we were talking in front of his house, a photographer took our picture. I couldn't believe it. Here we were having a private moment, it was really nice and relaxed, and this guy jumps out of nowhere. It was really annoying. Lex got so angry he smashed the guy's camera, and chased him off. I can't imagine having to be wary of someone lurking on your own private property.

He has lived in the spotlight his whole life and I would hate to be the reason he's in the newspapers again.

Anyway after the guy ran off, we went inside. We talked about how little privacy he has in his life. I don't want to get him in trouble. He's a really nice guy and I really like him. I think it bothered him way more than he would admit it. I almost hugged him. I wanted to so badly, but he was really stiff and had this personal space thing going. I didn't want to step into it, and ruin the moment.

We played pool again. I did better this time. He won which is fine. I told him about my dreams sort of. He was really cool about it and everything. It was way harder than I thought it would be. I tried to tell him about how he fit into the dreams. I just ended up saying that nobody saved me that I was left out there. He was really concerned. I didn't tell him about waking up from my dreams have kind of turned weird excited. I've never had that happen to me before.

When I was over at Lex's place he touched my leg to comfort me only it had another effect, it made me kind of excited. I was so embarrassed. I'm pretty sure he didn't notice, but I had to leave right after. I made up a stupid excuse about my dad needing the truck and ran.

When I got home I stayed in my loft for a couple of hours. My mom and dad were out so I took care of myself there. I don't know what to think. Why is my body reacting like this to Lex? It's not fair. Lex is counting on me to be his friend, and I'm having inappropriate dreams about him. I need to stop this now. 

I have to go to sleep. I hope I don't have the dream again.

@ 10:32 am

Even though only I can read this, I've never written it down before. It's going to look weird. 

I'm an alien!

And I think I might like Lex as more than just a friend.

Furthermore, I floated again this morning. I dreamed that I was in the field and Lex came to save me. He untied me, except when I fell to the ground the necklace stayed on. I tried to tell him to get it off, but he didn't understand me.

The meteor rocks hurt me. They came with me when I crashed landed on earth. It's my fault that everybody is getting hurt by them.

Sometimes I really hate my life.

Even though I got it off my chest, it didn't seem to help.

@ 08:25 pm

A very boring day at school. I rushed home so I wouldn't have to see or talk to anybody.

Pete was too busy with the football team to hang today. Lana was at cheerleading practice. I haven't seen Lex since the other night. I'm not holding off, I just need time to think about what's been happening. I need space.

 

17 September @ 11:53 pm

Chloe's barely back one day, and already everybody wants to hurt her.

I thought it would be uncomfortable but we both just acted like nothing had happened. I gave her a great big hug, and after that it was smooth sailing. 

What got her on every jock's most wanted list was an article she wrote for the school paper. I have no idea how she managed it, but she got it to press this morning. She even laughed about getting hate mail. Can you believe that! She totally freaks me out sometimes. I swear I have to keep an eye on her every second I'm at school. Who else would do it?

She calls all the football players 'jock-straps', which I think is totally hilarious. Pete doesn't share our sense of humor. It's just a harmless name. I told him to just ignore it. I've been called worse names. 

In excellent news, I finally did it. I joined the football team. My dad is totally pissed. He ordered me to quit, but I defied him.

I was scared at first. Dad doesn't trust me at all. It hurts to know that. My mom stayed out of the fight between my dad and I. She's smart. My dad is so stubborn. I don't care. I had to defy him. I had to rebel. He's never going to give me the chance to prove myself. And how am I supposed to prove myself if he never gives me the chance.

I played my first game today at practice. It was amazing. I loved it. I'm playing the tailback position, (Just like my dad did back in high school). 

Lana wasn't at practice. 

My dad showed up, but only to make sure I didn't hurt anybody. I thought I did pretty well, but dad didn't seem to care. He left before practice ended. I was so disappointed. Why does he have to do that? He makes me feel like a little kid again.

After practice, I saved the principal's life. He was trapped in a burning car. I didn't get hurt at all, and the principal is going to be okay, but when I got home my dad freaked. I was totally careful and all he could do was be suspicious that I screwed up somehow. He was afraid that someone saw me being freaky.

I really love my dad but sometimes he just makes me so sad. The way he's always acting like I don't know what I'm doing. It's my body! I know how to control my abilities! He has no idea what it takes. So much of it is just subconscious. Isn't it that way for everybody? I mean, we all have to be careful when we hold things.

I'm tired. I loved being out there on the playing field. It was this amazing rush. I just wish my dad hadn't left before the game was over.

It doesn't matter. What ever I say, he's never going to trust me. He's always going to use the same excuses. I'm so sick of them. All my life it's all I've ever had to do. I was never allowed to play with other kids. Pete is the only friend I have for a reason. When I was growing up I never went to birthday parties except his. I didn't even have my own birthday parties. Not that we even know when my birthday is anyway.

I sound really whiny. I'm just really upset. On top of all this Lex is too busy to see me. Not that I didn't expect that. I mean he is a gown-up.

I had coffee with Pete, and Chloe, and Lana was there as a waitress. I couldn't believe it! She quit the cheerleading squad. She loves cheerleading. Now I won't get to see her at the games. That was one of the reasons I wanted to play. I was hoping for more time around her. Although Whitney, who is now my team mate, didn't saying anything at all to me about it.

Chloe took off just as we were sitting down for a cup of coffee. I probably should have followed her. She has this knack for getting into trouble, but I wanted to stay, and be near Lana. Plus I was hoping Lex would make an appearance. I kind of miss him. I know I'm ready to face him without embarrassing myself. Maybe I should give him a call him again, tell him about the football stuff. He might not understand. After all, I'm playing with the guys who turned me into this year's scarecrow.

 

18 September @ 09:17 pm

Another freak day for the freak boy.

Sometimes I just want a normal day. I was all set to go out to the pep rally for the big game. I had this great talk with my mom just before I left. I think she's on my side about this whole thing, unlike my dad, who's still not talking to me.

The school news office was set on fire and Chloe thinks the coach somehow controlled the flames. She gets some pretty crazy ideas sometimes, but I think she might be right. She told me the flames followed her. I was freaked out when I saw that she was trapped in the office and it was on fire. When I got there to help her, the flames had died down.

If anything had happened to her, I don't know what I would have done. Unfortunately, the office is a total wash. She was upset. She didn't even care that her life was in danger; all she cared about was the office.

After that, I stopped by the coffee shop to see if Lana was working; she was. She looked pretty, and very determined. Lex was there too. We sat and talked. Lana got his drink order completely wrong, but Lex was cool about it. It was some kind of whipped cream thing. When he drank it, he got some on his nose and lips.

Lana was too busy to talk so I sat with Lex for a while, and drank my coffee while he sorted through some paperwork. His dad is making him fire a bunch of people, but Lex said he'd try to stop that. He's so good for this town. I he weren't here, whomever his dad put in charge would have just fired those workers without a second thought. Lex said my rebellion against my father, and Lana's own rebellion against her aunt inspired him. I think that's so cool.

We sat for a while. He seemed okay with me just quietly watching him. It was nice. After he packed up, he offered me a ride home. I could have gotten home on my own, but this way was much cooler. He was driving the red Ferrari today. I love his cars.

It was a quiet ride. He didn't say anything at all. I wasn't really expecting much, but he seemed preoccupied and kind of sad. He seemed tired too. I'm worried, since he hardly ever seems so out of it.

At first I figured he was thinking, about how to save those jobs. He's the kind of person that looks like he's always thinking. I really like that. But I think maybe there was something else going on. Like something more was bothering him. He just seemed so down.

When he dropped me off he just smiled and said see you. I know he saw his dad today. I think he might be a lot more upset than he was letting on. It's late, but I'm going over anyway. I'll think of a good excuse. I need the truck or it might look funny that I showed up without it.

@ 11:35 pm

Friendship

I'm back from seeing Lex. He was in bad shape. He was drinking and alone. I didn't lecture him about drinking. After all, I have no idea what it's like to be him. I have a clue that his life is rough. I just wish I could do something for him. In the mean time, I've decided I'm going to be there for him whenever he needs me.

I was still scared but he looked so sad, and so I finally did it, I hugged him. He didn't really hug back, but he didn't push me away. He told me I would never understand. He's probably right. I'm just a kid and my dad has always been there for me.

I just sat and listened. Lex is a strong person. I can't imagine having to go through all the things he goes through, and still be able to stand tall.

After that, we just talked quietly about insignificant things to take his mind off work and his father. I held his hand, and I hugged him again. He was much more receptive the second time. I just wish my body had behaved. One word of thanks whispered in my ear, and it was responding to him.

It was nice, and he didn't seem to notice anything strange, not that I pressed up against him or anything. I was just afraid he'd say something.

I'm tired, and I promised Chloe I would go talk to one of the football players before the big game. She claims he's willing to tell the truth about the football cheating scandal.

@ 11:37 pm

The freak that is Clark Kent

1\. Strong enough to lift a truck  
2\. Faster than a speeding train  
3\. Able to survive a head-on crash  
4\. Probably gay

I wanted to kiss him. I can say it here where nobody else can see but me. He looked so sad. I think I have a crush on him. A guy that my father hates. I want to hold him, and keep him safe. He's so fragile. Emotionally and physically.

The wonder that is Lex Luthor

1\. gorgeous  
2\. compassionate  
3\. understanding  
4\. probably not gay

I can't ever tell anybody. His friendship means so much to me. Even though we haven't known each other for long, I have a feeling it's going to be the most important friendship of my life.

I wish I could tell him about the alien thing.

 

19 September @ 09:22 pm

Fire tickles

Well, the last football game is over and I didn't even get to play. The coach is dead. Chloe was right. He was controlling fire. I went to talk to that player. Chloe said he would talk and he talked. He told me about the coach and how he can do things with fire.

I couldn't really tell anybody. I mean what was I supposed to say, 'excuse me sir, but the coach of our football team is a firestarter thanks to the meteor rocks that followed me here.' Nobody would believe it. So yet again I hurt somebody.

After, my dad saved me and I watched the coach kill himself. Not exactly a normal teen life. I was angry at the time. Coach left me for dead just so he could win a football game. I've decided that football just isn't for me. I won't be asking Dad if I can try out next year. We and I talked and things are much better between us. We were both being stubborn.

After the game I went out to the field and found Lana. She was fired from her job at the coffee shop, but she wasn't really too upset. She's a lot stronger than people give her credit for. 

We stood in the middle of the field and just scream. I never would have done something like that before I met her.

We drove home together and talked about things. She wants to get to know my friends, which is really cool. She saw me last night when I went to visit Lex, and asked about it. I felt sort of weird about that. My first instinct was to lie to her so I did. I couldn't help it. It's like lying is a built in defense thing for me.

Who knows, maybe for my kind it is.

I have to go to bed. I have this really bad headache, which is weird because I never get headaches.

 

21 September @ 12:08 am

Lex has a clone.

Lex pushed me through a window today! I was in town to get something for my mom, and he ran into me. I was so startled to see him. He pushed me into the sunglasses store. I couldn't believe how strong he was. I don't think it was he though. It just makes no sense because the police told me he robbed the bank, and then ran. He would never do that. Something even stranger happened to me today. I can't even say it. I didn't tell my mom and dad.

I am such a freak! I hate this.

I spent the morning doing chores. Dad and I fixed the tractor again. That thing has broken down so many times this month, I think I might just toss it into the next county, and say it was stolen so dad will go out and buy a new one.

This afternoon (after the window crashing incident) I hung out with Pete. He hadn't been over in a while so we shot some hoops, and talked about the coach. I didn't tell him everything that happened. I just confirmed what Chloe had already told us about the fires. I told him that the coach had gone insane and was so bent on winning that he tried to kill me, which was true. I have no idea why the coach killed himself like that. Maybe he wasn't trying to kill himself. I will never understand people that want to harm others.

Pete stayed for dinner. We watched an hour of TV after dinner. The big suck-up convinced my mom to break out some of her amazing apple pie. Not that I'm complaining, I love apple pie.

I had to call it a night because I got another headache. I kind of know why they're happening. I feel fine now, but just a few minutes ago my head hurt. My eyes ache. I know that sounds weird, but I have never really felt pain before. I think I'm going to go to bed early. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning.

I was going to call Lex to see if he wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but I am feeling so crappy.

 

22 September @ 12:29 am

The clone wasn't him and other Lex stories

Lex stopped by the farm first thing this morning. He came to see if I was okay and ask about what I saw. It turns out he was out of town when his look alike was robbing the bank. I was so relieved. I even joked about it with him. He was really very nice about it. He even apologized for me being thrown through the window even though he didn't have anything to do with it. I thought that was pretty nice, but dad just walked away. It kind of made me a little upset that he treated Lex that way. I asked Lex if it would be okay if I stopped by later for a game of pool. He said yes. After he left mom gave me this weird look. I hope she doesn't pick up on anything.

Lana called later around five PM. She asked if everything was okay and if it was true about Lex. I told her I never once thought he would do that. It was so nice to hear that she agreed with me. She seems to be warming up to the idea that Lex is a nice guy. That made me so happy.

I didn't do much except boring farm chores, so I won't talk about that. I would rather talk about my visit with Lex.

I went over around to the mansion at seven. I was hoping for earlier but Dad kept coming up with something new for me to do whenever I tried to leave. I finally escaped, thanks to my mom. Lex was just hanging out. He seemed tired but he didn't ask me to leave, so we settled into one of the many rooms at the mansion. We talked for a while. I think I was boring but he listened very intently. Like he really cared what I had to say.

Anyway, he suggested we watch some TV. We settled in with some milk and pie. It was really good pie. I made a total pig of myself. Lex barely touched his piece, and in the meantime I ate a whole pie!

I barely notice the show because Lex fell asleep. I'm not sure when, but he passed out right there on the sofa beside me. I let him be since he was so tired from all the fake Lex bank robbery excitement. It was probably stressful.

Lex looks so peaceful asleep. I couldn't help myself. I hardly ever see him relax so I watched him sleep. I even touched him. His skin is softer than I would have thought. He has eyebrows and eyelashes. I examined him closely to see if the lashes were real. I was curious. I just thought it was strange that he had them and not other hair. I couldn't see any hair on his arm, or the back of his neck.

I touched his head. I also touched this scar he has on his top lip. I don't have any scars, so I was really curious about what it felt like. I want to ask him about it, but I think I might wait until we've known each other better. I tried to guess how he got it, and the only thing I could come up with is that it had something to do with his dad.

Although that weird thing I talked about before happened again. And I almost got an eyeful of a very bare version of him. That's something I would rather discover the old fashioned way.

After the show ended, I woke Lex. He was upset that he'd fallen asleep on me, but I told him I didn't mind. I didn't tell him what I did while he was asleep.

I'm in my room now after taking care of some things. I have the sleeping image of Lex etched in my brain. I know it will be what I think about tonight as I go to sleep.

I am so screwed.

@ 03:26 pm

My life never gets easier.

I'm home from school early today because 'It' happened again. In gym class while I was climbing the rope of torture, 'It' kicked in and I saw more of Pete than I ever wanted to. Now I know how gross we are under all that skin. Muscles and bone are not pretty to look at. I freaked, to say the least.

Since I fell off the rope, they sent me home early, so now I'm up in my room. When I told my mom and dad they weren't very helpful. I mean, it's not like I came with a manual. 'At this age his special vision will kick in and he's see through people's skin.'

My mom needs to go into town so I'm going with her. I couldn't go anywhere near Lana today. She was wearing the necklace. I also heard a rumor going around that her and Whitney took the next step in their relationship. I just don't believe it at all. She's not the type to do that.

@ 03:50 pm

So now I have x-ray vision on top of everything else. 

It's not just x-ray vision. I can see through anything. I can't control it, but dad thinks I should be able to learn how to in time. I hope so. It's really annoying when it just suddenly kicks in.

@ 09:44 pm

My clone tried to run over my mom or what B movie did you star in today.

That sounds like the name of a really bad movie doesn't it? It's true. It really happened. 

When I went into town with my mom she went to pick something up at the antique store. I saw Tina go into the store. Her mom ran out of the store. That thing happened again, and I saw something really strange. I don't know what to think about it, but I think something is going on. I'm not sure what. I have to look into it more.

Mom claims I tried to run her over with our truck. We managed to get home despite our truck being stolen. Our truck was found abandoned by whoever had taking it, and I went about business as usual, because that's what we do here in small town Kansas. I had deliveries to make.

Lex was home when I got there. His Monday produce consisted of apples and corn on the cob. I made sure he was my last stop. He invited me to hang out, and shoot some pool. I had a great time. He was in a much better mood this time. He seemed really happy. When I asked why, he told me he had just bought a new car. He showed it to me. It was a new red Ferrari - this year's model. He took me for a drive with the top down. I wanted to ask if I could drive it, but I am only fifteen. What a sweet ride.

At first, he went the speed limit, but then I asked him to go faster. He called me a speed demon.

When we got back to the mansion the butler told me my mom had called. She was so angry when I called back, so I had to rush off. Even though I had to run off, Lex still looked happy. I'm so glad I could cheer him up.

However, I am now grounded. Can you believe that? My dad was pissed because I still had chores to do, and he needed the truck. I guess I should have called. I'm not allowed to go out for three days except to school, and to do deliveries. Then after that, I can only hang out with my friends to do homework.

Three days isn't too bad. I talked them down from a week. I so was not going to be grounded for a week! I'm fifteen for crying out loud! My mom didn't even stand up for me like she usually does.

I wanted to call Lex to tell him about that, but my mom won't even let me use the phone. Why is it that mom can make me feel like a little kid.

I have to do homework now.

 

23 September @ 10:28 pm

So after all the excitement of the other day I finally had a nice calm day. Not much happened. Since I'm grounded, I can't go anywhere. I'm in my room now waiting for mom and dad to go to sleep. They're finally in bed. I offered to wash the dishes so they could be together. (since my mom was almost run over they've been kind of mushy - yuck! - can't go there)

I want to call Lex to tell him about being grounded. I'm just afraid it'll remind him that I'm just a kid. I mean, who gets grounded at fifteen?

I tried the wounded look, but I'm pretty sure mom is immune to it. Dad just gives me this look that says 'try it on somebody else.'

I'm really bored, and restless. I think they're asleep. I'm going for a run.

 

24 September @ 12:48 am

Back from my run

This is so not a good sign. I just went for a run, and kind of ended up at Lex's place. He was up doing work. I broke into the troy room, and got caught by Lex. I guess I should never be a cat burglar, although the x-ray vision would come in handy.

Lex was nice about it. I felt bad since he was so relaxed and casual. I've never seen him as relaxed as that. His shirt was open. I caught a glimpse of his bare chest.

I tried to x-ray to see through his socks. Just to practice of course. 

Anyway, he offered me a snack, and we went to the kitchen. He looked so ethereal in the moonlight. It sounds weird to say that about a guy, but I can't help it.

I will admit how I feel here. He made me very excited. In fact, I am getting excited just thinking about how excited I was back at the castle. I had to excuse myself to take care of 'it' in his bathroom. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. My parents would be so disappointed.

I couldn't help myself. Lex smelled sexy. I'm turning red just typing this. I think Lex was as excited as I was. Although, I shouldn't just assume it was me that made him that way. But if it was, that means he likes me like that! I have no idea what to do about it. Should I talk to him about it? Or maybe I should wait until he says something. He did reach out and touched me. It was on the elbow. I thought I saw something in his eyes. This is moving way too fast for me. I have to slow down. I can't be attracted to my best friend! I just can't! At least I won't be able to go over there for the next few days. Maybe I'll tell dad to do the deliveries tomorrow. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I could use the time to distance myself from the situation.

I could talk to mom. I think she likes him. I know she's more willing to accept him than dad. 

I am so fucked.

@ 08:19 am

On parents and other things to ponder.

I'm way more coherent now. When I went for the run and ended up at the castle, I can admit to myself that it's where I wanted to be.

I get fed up with hearing my dad slam Lex so now I just tune him out. Every time I mention Lex, dad either grunts or says something nasty. It's unfair since my dad taught me all my life not to judge, and here he is judging Lex based solely on his last name. Isn't that hypocrisy?

Mom and dad were still asleep when I got home. Now it's the light of day. I have to get ready for school. I'm really in a cranky mood this morning. I think Tina is morphing into other people and doing things. That might explain everything that's been going on.

I know that sounds crazy, but you've never lived in my town. This stuff happens all the time. I'm going to follow Tine today. Watch her to see if she does anything out of the ordinary. After my mom told me she found money with a bank band wrapped around it at the antique shop, I'm more certain now than ever that something is going on with Tina.

Mom's calling me. She's always yelling that I'm going to be late. Like that would ever happen. Later.

@ 11:21 pm

What the hell is going on!

I had the worst experience ever tonight. Lana came by. Only it wasn't her. I thought for sure it was. She looked exactly like her, and acted exactly like her.

It's been another crap day. I had to call the police, and tell them that I saw the money from the bank robbery in Tina's locker at school. It turns out she really can shape shift! So when she, as Lana, stopped by, she hit on me, and told me she had her eye on me. I was pretty confused since Lana is still dating Whitney. (and since I have wanted to hear these words from her for so long)

She kissed me. I tried to stop her. I would never want any guy to kiss my girl. When I pulled away it was Tina. My second ever kiss and it turns out to be a psycho bank-robbing girl. My life just sucks. On top of that it's my fault! The meteor rocks changed her.

I hate my life!

I could only see Lex for a few minutes today during deliveries. It was nice, but it totally sucked that I had to leave right away. My mom even reminded me. She was adamant that I get home right after. I had the feeling she was talking specifically about Lex.

I have Math and English homework to do. Plus I wanted to finish reading that Nietzsche book I started yesterday.

25 September @ 11:15 pm

Parents

School sucked. They still haven't found Tina, and on top of that Lana was totally unapproachable today. That is, until she came over tonight. She just left. She said she was out for a jog, and happened to be near our place.

I was surprised. She talked to me about something so personal. Her parents died when she was three, and she watched it happen. It's hard for me to even write it here since it hurts.

She talked about her mom, and how she found her diary. I was happy for her, but after she left, and I came inside I started to think about my mom. I'm adopted. I have known this all my life, and every single day of my life my mom and dad have told me that I am the best thing that ever happened to them. I love them, but now that I know the truth (and it's a truth I still haven't come to grips with) it's hard not to think about who my real parents are, and where they are right now. Why did they let me go? What did they look like?

I went to look at 'IT'. I stared at 'IT' for so long. I held the tablet my dad gave me. It's so freaky looking at these things that came from my real parents. I'm sure they had a good reason for sending me here. I'm just glad that it was my mom and dad who found me in the field. I just wish I knew why. I know I'll never find out.

I wish I could go over and talk to Lex about this. I need somebody right now, and mom and dad won't cut it this time. But I can't. I have to lie to him about these things. I wish I could tell him the whole truth. I'm just so afraid. I just couldn't take the fear in his eyes when he hears what I really am.

I didn't even get to see him today at all. I find myself thinking about him a lot lately. I wonder what his life was like growing up, and I wonder how he's doing and what he's doing. I wonder what he was like at my age. 

I think about what he likes. I know some of the things he likes, but what else. He just seems so closed off, and like he's too afraid to reveal things about himself.

For me, it always comes down to my secrets. I don't even think I can get close to anybody because of them. And I really wish I could. I feel kind of lonely tonight.

I have to get to sleep. Dad just yelled at me to turn off the computer.

 

26 September @ 01:24 pm

My friend and I are going to look for Tina today. She needs to be stopped, and I feel like I have an obligation to do this. It also bothers me that she robbed the bank wearing Lex's skin, so to speak. Part of me hates her for doing this and part of me identifies with what she has had to do all her life: hide who she really is. I know how this feels.

@ 08:34 pm

Tonight has to be one of the worst nights of my life. First, I had to fight Tina. She wanted to take over Lana's life. I stopped her, but I have to say, I really identified with how Tina felt. She wanted normal, and that isn't possible with her condition. I know how that feels. It's what I want.

The police took her away. I had to stand by and watch as Lana and Whitney went into her house. I'd just saved her life and she was with him not me. It hurt more than I could even say to my mom, but she could tell. She was very understanding and now I'm up in the loft alone while they are together. I don't even want to think about what they might be doing.

I need to get out. I need to go for a run. I need to be anywhere else but here.

@ 10:21 pm

Why me?

I just ruined everything with one stupid move. 

I ran tonight. I found myself at the castle, and Lex was in. He was sitting by the fireplace in front of a dying fire with a drink in his hand. I was so emotionally distraught. I still am. I'm worse in fact, because I just made such a huge mistake.

I kissed Lex. When I say kissed I mean I started it.

It's the first time I've ever kissed anybody. I hate myself because I was being so selfish. I was upset over what happened earlier. I was lonely and he just looked so lonely too. I thought ... I didn't really think at all. I just grabbed him and did it. I forced myself on him. I have never done anything like that. I just grabbed him and forced him to kiss me. I'm very strong. He wouldn't have been able to break free from me.

I can still taste him on my lips. I can still smell him.

At least now I know for sure how I feel about him. He's probably never going to talk to me again. 

I was so terrified and stunned by what I did that I run out of the mansion as fast as I could. I don't know what to do now. I'm afraid. I can't talk to my mom or my dad about this. They would never understand. What should I do?

My mom freaked when I came back so upset. I lied and told her I was sad about Lana. Luckily, mom left me alone.

Except now that I am alone, all I can think about is how I just took off on Lex. I kissed him and then I ran. I shouldn't have left him there. I should go back or call or something. I should explain myself. Apologize for what I did.

I'll call tomorrow. I'll ask him to pretend like it didn't happen. I don't want him to hate me. He's going to hate me.

 

27 September @ 08:46 pm

I went to the house. He was gone. 

I had a huge fight with my dad today. It was raining nonstop. I did my chores and then some. I needed something to take my mind off things. I didn't care about the rain.

Later, when I went back in I asked mom if Lex had called. My dad totally lost it. I've been checking to see if Lex called almost every half hour. He cursed Lex out, and ordered me to never talk to him again. Then he stormed out to the barn.

We're still not talking. Mom came up a few minutes ago to ask how I was doing. She's such a cool mom. I wish I could tell her, but I don't want to give my parents reason to hate Lex. In my dad's case, even more reason.

I called him six times, but there was no answer. A few hours ago I decided to stop by. It was still pouring rain, but I didn't care. I ran all the way there since dad had the truck.

Lex wasn't home. When I asked where he was nobody would tell me. I checked the garage, and one of his cars is missing. The one we went for a drive in was still there so I sat in it for a while. I thought it would make me feel better, but it just made me feel worse. I ran again. Only this time, I ran to the farthest point of his property.

I'm back now. I tried to call again, but voicemail picked up. I'm too scared to leave a message. What do I say? How should I explain what happened?

Maybe it'll be like with my dad where we just start talking again as if nothing happened. I don't know about that. Thanks for the advice in comments. I think you're all right. If I act like nothing happened that wouldn't change that it happened.

Now that I'm further removed from the moment, I want to go back to it. I want to feel him close to me again. I want to hold him. I'm still afraid, but I'm more afraid of losing him than anything else.

I think I'll leave a message the next time I call. With the way things are going it'll be the one time he picks up.

@ 11:52 pm

I called and left a message this time. I just asked him to call me when he gets a chance. 

My mom made me some apple pie. She watched me eat. I think she was hoping I would confide in her. I couldn't do it. I thought about it, but I just couldn't. I was too scared. I did ask her about dating. She told me about her and dad's first date. It was a really nice story. 

Dad still won't talk to me. He's more stubborn than a mule. I also told her I wasn't going to stop seeing Lex, and that dad would just have to live with that.

I guess I talked more than I thought I would. (Pie is my mom's secret weapon.) I wanted so much to ask about how she'd feel if I was gay. I chickened out again. Maybe once I've talked to Lex I'll be able to confide in her about this. I hate keeping secrets from them, but the truth is, we all keep secrets from other people. I'm going to tell all of you one of my secrets right now. 

I think I'm gay. This is not my biggest secret.

I know this because the one kiss I shared with Lex was more of a turn-on than the two I shared with Chloe and Tina.

 

28 September @ 09:41 am

Confusion.

You just won't believe....

It's not getting any easier. I called Lex again. I couldn't help it. This time I called the castle. I asked when Lex would be returning. His butler said that maybe tonight 'master Lex' would return. He actually called him master Lex. It was weird.

Dad is so mad at me. He hasn't said a single word. When I asked mom about it, she said tried to talk to him but he's being a stubborn mule. He's going to make me suffer all weekend and I didn't even do anything wrong.

Maybe if I work by his side all day, he'll be forced to talk to me.

Mom's calling. I better go. I have to fix a gap in the fence in the far field.

 

29 September @ 10:45 am

All is right with my world.

I went by the mansion last night and we talked. Everything is fine now. I'm pretty sure it was seeing Lana with her boyfriend that set this off. I was lonely and I thought that I could substitute somebody else. I just wanted comfort. Lex understood. I think.

I promised him it would never happen again. If Lex is right and I do like Lana, why would he kiss me back? I thought maybe... but I guess not. I also promised never to run out on him. I was the one who made the whole thing harder. I shouldn't have run. I didn't even ask him where he was. I feel like such a bad friend.

The truth is, while I was making the promise, I wanted to kiss him again. I know that's not fair to him or to me, but I couldn't help it. He looked so tired and so . . . (I can't call a guy pretty and other stuff like that) I've never seen him look like this before. He looked confused, sad, and maybe a little hurt. When he touched me on the knee, I thought for sure something was going to happen, but then it didn't.

He was relieved we worked it out. I guess he only kissed me back because he was caught up in the moment. He never once said he liked it or that he wanted it.

After we talked, we played a game of pool. Then he tried to convince me to go after Lana. I just can't do that. Lana has a boyfriend and I won't interfere with that. If they break up I'll step in, but until then, I guess I'll just have to stay friends. I don't mind so much.

Mom and dad are talking about money again, or lack of it. Things haven't been great this year. I do a lot of work on the farm, but I know it's not enough. I wish I could help them more. I talked to Lex about it last night. He reassured me that everything would work out.

My dad is talking to me again. Out of the blue just like that he suddenly asked me when I'd be home from school. Today is delivery day and he wants me to get them done by six so he can have the truck back. This means I won't be able to stay over at Lex's this afternoon. Oh well, we can always talk another time.

@ 09:34 pm

I just got back from a party by the lake. I hate these stupid things, but Chloe wanted to go. I felt kind of bad that I didn't spend any time with her this weekend.

Sean approached me to ask if Chloe was single. I told him she'd never consider going out with him. Then I watched as he hit on her, and as she wrote her phone number on his hand. I wanted to tell her what he'd done to me last month, but then I would have to tell her that I was the scarecrow. I wasn't about to go there.

We left shortly after the pizza arrived, but not before we grabbed a few slices. Lana and Whitney were there. I just stayed away. There was no point. She was in his arms. She looked happy.

Oh well.

The best part of my day was when I saw Lex for a few minutes. He looked really good. I mean he was wearing a suit. He's a businessman. Let me just say I hate suits but he looked . . . just wow. It was probably really expensive.

He must have just gotten home since he was removing his tie. I know I will think about how he looked when he took his tie off for quite some time. 

I can fantasize can't I?

 

30 September @ 10:08 pm

I have a non-date with Lana

This afternoon I was kind of watching Lana at the coffee house. She was just reading like she always does. I was trying to figure out some things. Then Lex stopped me and told me to go for it. He even gave me tickets to this really cool concert, and offered to throw in the limo.

I was surprised, but I took the tickets and did what he said. I asked Lana out to the concert. She said yes. I made sure she knew it was just a 'friends' thing, not a date or anything. I mean just because she's seeing somebody doesn't mean she can't go out with a friend.

So tomorrow night we're going to a concert. I'm nervous. I know it isn't a real boyfriend girlfriend kind of thing, but I've never actually been on a date. Ever. I've been to some of the school dances, but I always went alone and left alone.

Part of it has to do with my mom and dad and how overprotective they are. I don't blame them for it, I just kind of wish sometimes that things were different. My mom and dad didn't say much when they found out.


End file.
